CHAPTER 5
I watched as Will disappeared around a bend on the trail. For the first time since I had seen him earlier I was thinking about Will. I mean the real Will, not his body. I felt so sorry for him. He seemed to be so unhappy. Our short visit hadn't given me enough information to know the full reasons for his sadness, but I knew it was there.
I started back to where I had left Mandy. I didn't know if she would still be there, or if she had given up on me and would have gone back to the hotel by now. Oh well. I guess she can take care of herself. At least mom thinks she can.
I didn't hurry as I walked back. Instead I was trying to sort my thoughts and feeling and to make some sense of what was happing to me and my way of thinking about what I should, and should not, be feeling. I didn't want to be feeling things about a boy like the ones I way feeling about Will. But those feelings that were stirring in my breast after being with him for only an hour made me feel so warm and comfortable. Perhaps it was just the reestablishment of a friendship. But that didn't seem right either. We had never been close friend when he was at West Port, only casual friend at best. In fact, I could barely remember what he was like back then. Except I always thought he was so damn cute! Today I admit his body first attracted me, but a few minutes alone with him quickly changed the attraction to the person inside the body. All this only served to fuel my beliefs that it was so wrong to be drawn to a boy like that, and for that reason.
"Well! I like that! Just walk past like I don't exist."
"Huh? What?" I turned back to see Mandy sitting on her beach towel, a mischievous little smile on her face. "Oh, sorry Sis. Didn't see you."
"That's quite apparent. Who's the luck girl that has you in La-la-land?"
"The who? What?"
"Ah, come on Chuck. I have enough insight to know when someone's been bitten with the love bug."
Her patented little laugh always irritated me. Especially when I knew she was close to the truth, the truth of something that I didn't want anyone to know.
"Right. Sure Sis. A couple of hours and I'm suppose to fall head over heals for someone."
"Well don't blame me. At least your afternoon went better than mine. Congratulations."
That was the first I had noticed she was alone.
"Say what happened to the hunk?"
"The HUNK! You mean the HANDS! That S.O.B. I couldn't keep him off me. He even pulled the string on the side of my bikini and I lost my bottom right here on the beach for God and everyone to see."
I could see the anger burning in her eyes.
"There was a cop standing close by, and when I screamed he came over. I told him what the pervert did and he hauled him off. I think he just took him off the beach though."
"I'm sorry Mandy. I should have been here with you." And I really was sorry too. I loved my sister, and I should have been here to watch over her. Besides that, if I had been here I wouldn't be having all these thoughts and feelings that were eating on me right now.
"No you shouldn't have! You'd never have met the person of your dreams if you had been."
"A person? What makes you so convinced it's a person? Could be anything."
"Oh brother." And she rolled her eyes like only Mandy can do. "Come on Bud. Help me gather everything up. If you hadn't notice we're the last ones on the beach."
I picked up my towel and sandals, and hoisted the umbrella onto my shoulder then followed Sis back to the hotel.
Later at dinner, my mind wondered back and forth between the conversation at the table and my afternoon with Will. One second, I would be seeing visions of him and his bright red Speedos, the next moment my mind would be flooded with thoughts of the hug he had given me, and the emotions that had caused in my heart.
"Well Chuck we haven't heard much about your day."
Why was I allowing myself to have these feelings? I just could not be that kind of boy. I just couldn't! I didn't dislike gay boys. In fact, two of my friends at school were gay, and we got along marvelously.
"Son." Dad's chuckle drew me out of my dream world. "I say Son, are you still with us."
"Huh . . . What did you say Dad?"
"OH. Don't pay him any mind Dad." Mandy laughed, and then rolled her eyes at me again. "He just went off this afternoon and found himself the love of his life."
I felt my face burn red hot. And I shot my sister a look that told her I wasn't pleased with her teasing remark.
Then Mom got into it. "Well now, who's the lucky young lady."
Young lady? Now that's a joke. If I had the courage to come out and say whom it really was I had a good idea the bubbly atmosphere would be brought to a sudden end.
"Ah, Mom. You know Mandy. Always has her imagination working overtime. I . . . I just met someone that seemed quite interesting to be with is all."
"Mom you should have saw him when he came back down the beach." Again her innovative snicker wrangled my nerves. "He was in another world. Walked within five feet of me and never knew I existed."
"Mandy!" I shouted at her. Then I saw the expressions on my parent's faces and new my outburst was not to be tolerated. "I'm sorry Mandy." I quickly added. "But you really don't need to tell everything you know."
"That's fine Son. Just keep us posted. Wouldn't want to have you married off without our knowing about it."
The wink I received from my father told me that was his way of ending the discussion. I smiled softly at him so he would know I appreciated his thoughtfulness. His returned smile told me he was on my side in this matter. "But, Pop. If you only knew, would you still be on my side?" I thought to myself.
Mom carefully folded her napkin, as was her habit and laid it beside her plate. "I'll call room service and have them come and clear the table."
That night as I lay in my room visions of Will still played in my head. I had no idea what I was going to do about them. They were so good and so pleasant I didn't want them to ever stop. I knew that what I was feeling in my heart would only leading me to heart ache later. There was no way he would ever feel the same way about me so why torture myself with the convoluted notion I was falling in love with him, especially after such a short reunion. Besides that I was again revisiting my accepted wisdom that I just could not be that kind of boy.
I was lying on top of my bed in my customary sleeping attire, nothing, as these thought streamed through my mind. Without really thinking about it I started stroking my already hard dick as I thought about Will. Damn, he was so cute, a face as becoming as his body. His shimmering blond hair accentuated his soft youthful boyish features perfectly. And after only a short get-together I could sense his heart was so soft and tender, and cried for someone to love him. Tears suddenly began streaming down my face and puddle beside my ears.
"Oh . . . Will! I can't explain it, but I know it somehow, I love you. I love you so much!"
My mumbled words were sharp and broken by the sobs that were coming from deep within. Something else in my subconscious was telling me I had loved him years before when he was at West Port. Now I sensed my love for him at that time may have been why I kept him at arms length and only allowed a laid-back acquaintance to develop.
Yes, in just one afternoon I had fallen in love with a boy, or perhaps that love had just been rekindled. My intellect would not let me readily accept this fact however. Yes, I had fallen in love with a boy, but not the boy of the gorgeous body, I had fallen in love with the boy that lived on the inside of that body.
During all this time of thinking and anguishing with myself I had continued to stroke my cock. It was as though some supernatural omen was trying to show me it was all right. The instant my mind accepted the fact I loved Will my orgasm jolted my body. It was like none I had ever experienced before. So sharp, so strong, with intensity that quaked my entire body. I moaned much too loud, but I could not help it. The release was unbelievable! I pumped and shudder for what felt like and eternity before my body finally began to relax.
I drifted into a fitful sleep. Fleeting visions of a naked Will danced in my dreams. Only to be replaced by someone, I could not tell whom, shaking a finger at me and telling me it was a sin to love a boy.
At daybreak I woke in the midst of another dream being soundly reprimanded for my sinful thoughts. I was still lying on top of my bed, a little cold from a night without covers, and smelling heavily of my sex that was now dried and crusted covering much of my stomach. I slid off the bed and staggered into the shower. I felt tired and exhausted, almost as if I had not slept at all.
By the time I finished my shower I had made up my mind. Somehow I would put Will out of my mind. Not as a friend, but as my lover. I looked forward to seeing him this afternoon, but I was determined to keep our relationship on a strictly platonic and practical level.
CHAPTER 6
I slid my bicycle to a stop just behind our house. My face was flushed red and sweaty, and I was breathing heavily from my frantic retreat back up the narrow trail. I grabbed my jeans out of the basket on my bike and quickly jerked them on. I moped my wet face with my T-shirt before I pulled it on. I did not understand why I bothered to hurry so much. I was late, and there was nothing I could do about it. However, my adrenaline was flowing and I dreaded what was surely waiting me just beyond the back door.
My dad's face was red with anger when I stepped into the dinning room. A quick glance at my brother Danny, and that evil smug look on his face, instantly told me he had been fuelling the fires of anger in my father.
"Well young man! I'm so glad you decided to join the rest of us for dinner." The words could have been used for a pleasant greeting, but the tone of his voice told me he has just the exact opposite in mind. "Too bad dinners over, and everything gone. Now get to your room!"
Dinner wasn't over, and there was still plenty of food on the table. But, I really didn't care either! I was fed up with being treated like some kind of parasite. I had lost my appetite when I entered the room and saw my brother's face. I was pleased I did not have to sit at the same table with the rest of my, so-called, family. I snorted a little and turned to leave the room.
"What kind of remark was that?" My Father shouted. But I never stopped or looked back.
"I ask you a question Will!" I could hear him almost screaming at me as I started up the stairs. But I did not care anymore. If he wanted to come up and slap me around a little I did not care about that either. I had reached my end. I suddenly found myself feeling like I was ready to just give up on life.
I stepped inside my room and closed the door. I wanted to slam it, but I knew better than that. I grasp the doorknob with both hands behind my back and leaned back on the door. Suddenly I began crying. Tears streamed down my face and dripped onto my T-shirt. Sobs racked my body and I made no effort to control them. My emotions were shattered. My shell of self-protection had dissolved and I felt like my entire insides had turned to jelly.
Sure enough my father had followed me up to my room. I could feel the door move as he tried to open it.
"Open the damn door Will!"
I was crying so hard I barely heard him screaming at me. I stepped away from the door like I was in a dream. I just didn't care anymore. Let him do what he wanted I didn't care.
He burst into the room. I felt a big hand on my shoulder, and then suddenly I was spun around looking him strait in the face. My eyes were red; tears were steady streams running down my cheeks.
"If you're not the sorriest damn sight I've ever seen. Standing here crying like some damn girl." Dad was so mad his voice was quaking.
"I ask you a question when you left the room! When I ask a question I expect an answerer!" His fingers were digging deep into my shoulder, but I ignored the pain.
"Well! I'm waiting. You damnable brat!"
I never answered. I had no intension of answering. Beside I could not even remember the question. Then I saw his hand draw back and I knew what was coming. This time it was much harder than ever before. Much harder! I felt the stinging pain on the side of my face, and quick little sparks shot before my eyes. I remember having the sensation of falling but I never felt myself hit the floor.
I heard the door slam, but it sounded as though it were a mile away. I don't know how long I lay there before I was able to get to my feet by pulling myself up using the foot of my bed. I glanced at myself in my mirror. I was a mess. Tear stained face, red eyes, and blood trickling from the corner of my mouth. I just crawled up on my bed and curled up and a tight little ball and cried until the ability to cry had simply been used up.
Sometime during the late evening my mother came into the room. She switched on the bedside lamp and put a sandwich and glass of milk on my night table. She never spoke or attempted to check my swollen lip and cheek. She stood there for a moment then turned and walked out of the room closing the door softly behind her.
I felt hungry, but I didn't want her frivolous act of charity. If she really cared, if she really loved me, why didn't she come to my aid when I really needed her?
My mind needed some relief, some comfort. And my thoughts, quickly and willingly, turned to Chuck. My anguish was quickly replaced by a warm feeling deep in my chest. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. The boy of my dreams, the one I had fallen in love with back in middles school was right here. Here within reaching distance. And he seemed so friendly, so nice. If only he could love me in return as I love him. However, I knew there was little chance in that. A guy that was as active in sports as he was, and the way he had reacted to my hug today, would never be interested in another boy. I knew my dreams were without basis, but they felt so good, and they gave me so much comfort I just lay on my bed sobbing softly and let my imagination have it way.
Somewhere in the early morning hours I finally drifted off to sleep, more from pure exhaustion than relaxation. It was almost ten a.m. when I woke. The side of my face hurt terribly, and blood was dried and caked to the corner of my mouth. I stepped into my shower and let the hot water spray on my head and run down over my body. The warmth seemed to give some soothing relief to my body, but it could not touch the ache deep in my heart. I slowly realized that last night had literally ended any relationship I would ever have with my family members. And that thought felt like the cruelest form of torture anyone could ever devise,
I stepped from the shower and toweled dry. I didn't know if I was grounded or not, and I really didn't care. I slipped my red Speedos back on and pulled on a fresh T-shirt, one short enough to leave my slightly inward belly button fully exposed. Dad should be at work. But if he was not, to hell with it! Today my Speedos would be in full view as I left the house, if anyone disapproved tough! I walked out of my room and into the hallway; no one was there to notice. As I descended the stairs there was no one in the living room either. On my way to the kitchen I glanced into the TV room. The house seemed to be deserted. I opened the refrigerator and took out the container of milk. I poured myself a big glass and leaned back against the counter as I slowly drank it. I winched each time the glass touched the corner of my mouth. I replace the milk and got an apple from the fruit drawer of the fridge.
Stepping out onto the back porch I saw my mother sitting beside the pool drinking a cup of coffee. I glanced at her but she made no attempt to speak. I turned away, also without speaking. I rolled my bicycle out the back gate, then mounted and started down the trail to the beach. I thought about my mother's reaction as I had left the house and I was suddenly blinded by another flood of tears.
"My God! What has happened to my life? How could everything go so desperately wrong?"
This time I didn't care if someone heard me talking to myself. I was peddling hard down the gentle slope. My speed built until the passing trees were just a blur out of the corner of my eyes. I was going to loose control and I knew it. I just did not care. My bike went down on its left side, sliding the last ten yards; it struck the palm tree where I always chained it. Slowly I got to my feet and brushed bark and sand off my leg and side. Now I had a nice scrape on my leg to go with my fat lip.
In just a few minutes I was at my special cove, and sitting under the same palm where Chuck and I had been just the evening before. I didn't know what time it was, or how long I would have to wait for him. But I would wait; wait for as long as I had to just to see him again. If only I had taken time to find out which hotel they were staying in, perhaps I could have gone there a little early and he would not have been busy. But, I hadn't so why bother thinking down those lines.
I made myself as comfortable as possible and slowly began eating my apple.
"Good morning Early Bird!"
The voice from behind sent shivers of ecstasy coursing through my body. I jumped up to be greeted by the smiling face of my dream boy. It took every fiber of restraint I possessed to keep from throwing myself at him.
He walked up close to me, much closer than I really though necessary. The closeness almost drove me insane with desire. So close, but yet still out of the reach of my arms.
"What brings you down so early?" Chuck wanted to know.
"Oh, just didn't have anything else to do. I was hoping you would be a little early also." Now why did I have to add that last remark? Dumb! Really dumb.
His smile gave me some hope that I had not stuck my foot in my mouth. He actually reached over and patted me on the shoulder. His touch surged through me like an electrical shock, and I felt myself shudder just a little.
"What say we go for a quick swim? I'm already a little warm."
I was more than a little warm standing so close to Chuck. I was absolutely burning up. I turn and started toward the water, but I was keenly aware of his hand still on my shoulder.
The water was delightful. We splashed and laughed like two little kids. For the first time since last nigh I actually felt some relief deep inside.
"Let's go stretch out on the beach. I need to work on my tan so everyone back at West Port will know I've been on vacation." Chuck's laugh thrilled my heart.
He lie down and spread his legs slightly. I could not help but notice the large bulge concealed under his tight Speedos as he put his arms above his head and stretched. I lay down beside him, much closer than I really needed to. As I spread my legs I felt the sides of our thighs touch. I remained motionless trying to give the impression that I had not really notice, or that it did not bothered me if I had. We lay there for a few moments not speaking. But the contact with Chuck's leg was causing me to go hard. I really did not want that to happen, not right now anyway. But I was slowly loosing the battle of my will.
"Do you mind if I ask you a question?" Chuck's voice was soft, and slightly more than a whisper.
"No. Of course not."
"Well. I was just wondering. What happened to the side of your face? I mean, it's looks like you took a nasty blow someway."
In an instant my willy was flaccid. I can't tell him, not yet anyway. I had to think of something.
"Oh . . . well . . . I . . . I just . . . I mean in my hurry to get home last night. I . . . I got too close to the edge of the trail and a tree branch slapped me in the face."
"Oh. I see."
His answer did not really sound like he had bought what I had said. But it was the best I could think of on short notice. Another dumb mistake, I should have know he would ask. I should have had an answer ready.
"Which hotel you staying at?" I wanted to know, but it also felt like a good way to change the subject.
"The 'Sand and Surf.' Do you know it?"
"Sure. Just down the beach from our house."
"You mean you live close by? Where?"
"Just follow the trail up the side of the cliff, our house is the first one on the left. Couldn't be handier."
Again we fell silent, a silence that seemed to last forever. The longer I lay there beside Chuck the more difficult it was to keep my emotions in check. I was torn between my feelings for him and my loathing of the way things were at home. I really could not bring myself to think the thought, but last night I had developed a real hatred for my father and I was still trying to decide about my mother and my feelings for her.
I had my eyes closed against the glair of the sun; I did not even realize tears were streaming down the sides of my face. Nor did I realize Chuck had risen up on one elbow and was looking at me. When I felt his hand on the center of my chest was the first time I had looked at him since we had lain down. He was almost directly over me looking down into my eyes. His big brown puppy dog eyes were so full of warmth and caring it made me shudder.
"Will. Buddy. What's wrong? What is the matter?"
I sucked in a big breath of air and shivered deeply. I hardly remember doing it. Without thinking I sat up and threw my arms around him and covered his lips with mine. I kissed him long and hard. When I finally let our lips part I saw his eyes and his expression. His eyes were wide circles, and his expression was that of disbelief.
"Oh! Chuck! . . . Chuck I'm sorry!" I stammered. "I'm sorry. So sorry. I love you so much. But I know you can't feel the same way about me. I'm sorry." My voice faltered again. "Please forgive me."
He sat there with a shocked expression on his face. I recoiled back and drew my knees up tight against my chest and encircled my head with my arms as I buried my face against my knees. I could not stand to look at him, not now, not after I knew my impetuousness had cost me my love. Again my stupidity had cost me the last thing I had in my life.
"Well, I must say you have strange ways of greeting people."
His voice was completely without emotion. I felt him move and I knew he was standing up.
"I think I better be getting back. I need to check on my sister, you know."
I did not answer. I didn't even raise my head. I just nodded with my face still buried against my knees. I could hear his feet making soft swishing sounds in the soft sand as he walked away.
I started crying. Crying harder than I ever believed possible. Everything was gone. My world had collapsed. My family hated me, and the boy I loved had just walked out of my life.
"Life! What the hell go is it." I whimpered.
I do not have any idea how long I sat there. When there was nothing left inside me to force out another tear I stood to my feet. As my skin flexed because of my movements I knew I had a sever sunburn, but what the hell, what difference did it make. I knew what I had to do, and what I was going to do.
I didn't use the tunnel this time; I just trudged slowly over the top of the small mountain. I was completely oblivious to the sharp stones gouging my feet and the nettles scraping at my bare legs. I didn't care about anything now. Nothing made a difference anymore. I walked past my bicycle, why bother I didn't need it any more. I didn't need anything or anyone now.
I was sweating profusely by the time I reached the top of the cliff. I closed the yard gate and took a quick look around the house. Both cars were gone. No one was home. I was alone. Alone like I felt I should be. Why not be alone. I was completely worthless to everyone, even myself.
I entered the garage through the side door. I waited for my eyes to adjust to the diminished light as I stepped into the dark warm interior. I saw what I needed along the far wall. I moved our two garbage cans into the center of the garage floor then placed and old wood plank across the top of them. Taking a strong cotton rope from a wooden peg I fashioned a noose in one end and threw it over one of the exposed rafters above my makeshift platform. I secured the other end to the underside of dad's workbench.
I stood back and admired my handy work. For a few moments I never move. My mind was completely without though. Almost as though it had stopped functioning in anticipation of what it knew was coming.
One deep breath and I stepped up onto the wood plank. I placed the noose over my head and pulled it tight around my neck. I felt a shiver run down my back.
"Just rock the plank. Let it slide off. That's all you have to do."
I spoke the words audibly. I don't know why. I just did.
I shifted my weight. I felt the plank move, and saw it move to the very edge of the garbage can. I shuffled my feet again and the plank moved . .
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